Lately my prayer request has been "to find happiness in Jesus alone." This seemed very far and abstract, because to find happiness in someone that I cannot see or touch seemed almost impossible. But I was tired of turning to the worldly things like people and material goods because those things are never fully mine and therefore can disappear any minute from my life. I was tired of putting my hopes in the things that never fulfill my desires and expectations, and I was tired of being disappointed. So I prayed. I prayed that I'd be able to dwell in Him and Him alone.
It was hard because I had so many things in this world that I adored and wished to cherish forever. The love I get from humans seemed more real than the love I was supposedly receiving from God, and to put my faith in that invisible Being and act the deeds according to that faith I'm supposed to put in Him was just too difficult for this selfish, stubborn, ignorant heart.
Then it happened. It was a Sunday afternoon; the Sun was bright outside and it seemed like just one of the many beautiful days I'd been having lately. But out of nowhere I was thrown into a deep, dark hole all by myself. And I did not know what I was supposed to do next. I was frozen in the moment and it seemed like there was no one that could come and break me out of that moment. I could not even cry or scream. I felt like I was thrown in the middle of the snow field naked and my body was getting numb.
But in just a few hours I picked myself up again and asked myself, "Do you know why this happened?" Because the moment it happened, I knew exactly why I had be to put through such pain once again. And the answer I gave myself was this: "Because God wants me to dwell in Him and no one else."
It then took me couple more days to really absorb this idea. God was pushing me into a dark tunnel so that when I make my way through it, there will be a beautiful garden waiting for me to sit and relax. He wanted me to fall to the bottom again so I can ask for His help. And once He does help me up then I would realize that my happiness solely depends on Him.
And tonight, while brushing my teeth to go to sleep, this crazy idea finally established itself to a clearer form in my head and it was "love." I know it hurt Him to put me through the storms again, but I think He knew that I had grown up enough not to say "God, why are you doing this to me?" anymore. And it only took me a few days to understand His plan. One of His many amazing plans.
So all my pain turned into joy, and blames turned into thanks. My heart does not ache anymore, and I am so glad that this had to happen. God has answered my prayers and is trying to show me how I can find happiness in Him alone. Even though I am still aware of the fact that I can lose everything I have in just a second, I am not insecure anymore. Because I already have all I need which is God's unconditional love.
I can't help but believe that God has amazing plans for me. And I'm sure He does for you, too. So smile. He fulfills the desires of those who seek Him. It's that easy to make your dreams come true. :)
