I see exactly what you're trying to do. I really want to believe that you're not a bad person, that you really do care about me, but I really can't appreciate you anymore now that I see what it is that you're trying to do.

I know that we both will be perfectly fine without having each other in our lives. So can you please leave me alone? I'm so tired of this bullshit. At least I never tried to hurt you on purpose. I know I've hurt you by just being who I am, and I always felt so guilty for that. I always felt so miserable because of that guilt, even though the whole issue was not something I could control. But here you are, trying your best to break me. I thought you were better than that. I lost all my respect for you. Please leave me alone. I don't want to talk to you ever again.

It only takes a minute for me to crash.

I miss my friends so much right now. Especially L3. It's crazy how this is already our 4th year away from one another. But you guys still mean just as much to me as you guys did 4 years ago, if not more. You guys make me so proud. I know we've had some real rough moments this year, but you know we'll fight through them as we always did (as long as we're there for one another!). I love you guys so much, my soulmates. You two are ALWAYS in my prayers. :)

I've been spending a lot of time by myself, or WITH myself should I say. My phone's been off for quite a while, and I've been minimizing my contact with the outside world. I only see a limited number of people, and all I've been doing is going to class and concerts and practicing.

The funny thing is that I am not feeling lonely at all. In fact, I enjoy staying away from the world. I've been so much more focused on school and being alone makes me avoid the many sins that have created this kind of "sin pattern" that I always feared. Of course I'm not going to turn into a nun, but it's definitely a nice feeling.

A lot of people don't understand such behavior of mine because most people don't need these "alone" times. It's not something they're used to, so they freak out when I suddenly disappear from the world. I've had people come to my door and buzz me because they couldn't find me anywhere, and some people even got mad at me because they were worried or because they think I'm avoiding them for some reason.

But in spite of what people think, I still enjoy it. I wish I can just fly to Cuba right now, get a small room and live a brand new life in a place where no one knows me. But since that's not possible at the moment, this is the best I can do to isolate myself.

I've been doing a lot of thinking during the past week as I pulled myself away from the ordinary life, and came to make up my mind on certain issues that's been burdening me for a long time. "He" definitely helped me set a direction in my life, after the conversation we had, because considering the fact that my life's been completely dependant on him made a huge mess in my life. Now that I think back, I think almost all the issues I've been facing started from him. But after having that talk, things became much clearer. And now I know exactly where I'm supposed to go. That makes me glad.

So now I celebrate. I celebrate the freedom. I am free because I no longer have to try so hard to run away from him. I've come to accept the fact that there are things that just never change. This is just the way we're going to be, perhaps for the rest of our lives. So now I am off to my road of freedom, and I'll be happy to meet the people that come my way without feeling any kind of negative emotions because I'll just believe that it is a part of my fate.

There isn't a single part of life that I can have control over. It was never mine to begin with, so the harder I try to do something about it, the messier it gets. So I've given it up completely. That doesn't mean I'm going to live my life aimlessly. My life deserves all my respect so therefore I'll be doing my best to keep it the way it really should be. But I'm not going to be angry or sad over what was not meant to be given to me. Things will be easier to let go of this way.

This is all a part of growing up, I guess. I'm happy.

All I can say now is, "Thy will be done."


I've completely given up my life. It is now in Your hands.

One Minute

I wonder
If you spend at least one minute a day
To think of me

If at least a minute of your day
Belongs to me

I wonder
If she really deserves those twenty-three hours and fifty-nine minutes

What did she do
To deserve so much time of yours?

Each minute she spends in your mind is
One more minute in Hell for me

I wonder
If there ever is a day
You accidentally spare me an extra minute

But I am not lonely
For I spend twenty-three hours
And fifty-nine minutes a day

To embrace you in my heart
To let you run around in my head

I wonder
If there will ever come a day
When we'll spend 24 hours thinking
Thinking of each other

The sun will stay out longer
And the night will be endless

Because we'll share every minute
And it will be heavenly

You shine before me

Expectations and anticipations. They both kill people.

Living without them has been making my life much easier lately. I don't expect anything. So don't expect anything form me.

I took one of my hands from his and placed my glass of wine at the edge of the table.
"It's going to fall," he said.
"Exactly. I want you to tip it over the edge."
"Break the glass?"
Yes, break the glass. A simple gesture, but one that brings up fears we can't really understand. What's wrong with breaking an inexpensive glass, when everyone has done so unintentionally at some time in their life?
"Break the glass?" he repeated. "Why?"
"Well, I could give you lots of reasons," I answered. "But actually, just to break it."
"For you?"
"No, of course not."
He eyed the glass on the edge of the table - worried that it might fall.
It's a rite of passage, I wanted to say. It's something prohibited. Glasses are not purposely broken. In a restaurant or in our home, we're careful not to place glasses by the edge of a table. Our universe requires that we avoid letting glasses fall to the floor.
But when we break them by accident, we realize that it's not very serious. The waiter says, "It's nothing," and when has anyone been charged for a broken glass? Breaking glasses is part of life and does no damage to us, to the restaurant, or to anyone else.
I bumped the table. The glass shook but didn't fall.
"Careful!" he said, instinctively.
"Break the glass," I insisted.
Break the glass, I thought to myself, because it's a symbolic gesture. Try to understand that I have broken things within myself that were much more important than a glass, and I'm happy I did. Resolve your own internal battle, and break the glass.
Our parents taught us to be careful with glasses and with our bodies. They taught us that the passions of childhood are impossible, that we should not flee from priests, that people cannot perform miracles, and that no one leaves on a journey without knowing where they are going.
Break the glass, please - and free us from all these damned rules, from needing to find an explanation for everything, from doing only what others approve of.
"Break the glass," I said again.
He stared at me. Then, slowly, he slid his hand along the tablecloth to the glass. And with a sudden movement, he pushed it to the floor.
The sound of the breaking glass caught the waiter's attention. Rather than apologize for having broken the glass, he looked at me, smiling - and I smiled back.
"Doesn't matter," shouted the waiter.
But he wasn't listening. He had stood, seized my hair in his hands, and was kissing me.
I clutched at his hair, too, and squeezed him with all my strength, biting his lips and feeling his tongue move in my mouth. This was the kiss I had waited for so long - a kiss born by the rivers of our childhood, when we didn't yet know what love meant. A kiss that had been suspended in the air as we grew, that had traveled the world in the souvenir of a medal, and that had remained hidden behind piles of books. A kiss that had been lost so many times and now was found. In the moment of that kiss were years of searching, disillusionment, and impossible dreams.
I kissed him hard. The few people there in the bar must have been thinking that all they were seeing was just a kiss. They didn't know that this kiss stood for my whole life - and his life, as well. The life of anyone who has waited, dreamed, and searched for their true path.
The moment of that kiss contained every happy moment I had ever lived.

By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept - Paulo Coehlo

susie.k、says:
when i feel that it's the right time, i'm gonna come and see you

- says:
I think we couldn't be more honest with each other.
susie.k、says:
and i'm glad

You know that I love you
And what love endures
All my thoughts are of you
For I'm so completely yours

Right or wrong don't matter
When you're with me, sweet

You're my joy and you're my pain
My life is yours, love

You are the only person that can speak to my soul.

Everything is still the same

Even after today, would I still be able to pretend? Everything is still the same and you know it. How are you going to tell me that you can't live two things at the same time when that is exactly what we are doing? We can keep pretending for the rest of our lives but we both know damn well that that's not going to do neither of us any good. When you are ready to put together the two lives you're living to live one solid life, let me know. And I will come see you.

O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger or displine me in your wrath. ... My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear. ... I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning. My back is filled with searing pain; there is no health in my body. I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; mysighing is not hidden from you. ... My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds; my neighbors stay far away. ... I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear, like a mute, who cannot open his mouth; I have become like a man who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply. I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God. ... For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me. I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin. ... O LORD, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God. Come quickly to help me, O Lord my savior.

Bits and pieces from Psalm 38.

There Will Never be Another You

There will be many other nights like this
And I'll be standing here with someone new
There will be other songs to sing
Another Fall, another Spring
But there will never be another you

There will be other lips that I may kiss
But they won't thrill me like yours used to do
Yes, I can dream a million dreams
But How can they come true?
If there will never ever be another you

Four people. All pretending.

There is a train of memories that haunts me every night. And this won't stop because we never put an end to this madness.

But because I know it hasn't ended yet, I live another day.


No matter where I am, what I am doing, or who I am with, I will never really change unless we finally say, "this is it."