I'm going to put down everything. There is absolutely nothing I can do with my own power.

Lately my prayer request has been "to find happiness in Jesus alone." This seemed very far and abstract, because to find happiness in someone that I cannot see or touch seemed almost impossible. But I was tired of turning to the worldly things like people and material goods because those things are never fully mine and therefore can disappear any minute from my life. I was tired of putting my hopes in the things that never fulfill my desires and expectations, and I was tired of being disappointed. So I prayed. I prayed that I'd be able to dwell in Him and Him alone.

It was hard because I had so many things in this world that I adored and wished to cherish forever. The love I get from humans seemed more real than the love I was supposedly receiving from God, and to put my faith in that invisible Being and act the deeds according to that faith I'm supposed to put in Him was just too difficult for this selfish, stubborn, ignorant heart.

Then it happened. It was a Sunday afternoon; the Sun was bright outside and it seemed like just one of the many beautiful days I'd been having lately. But out of nowhere I was thrown into a deep, dark hole all by myself. And I did not know what I was supposed to do next. I was frozen in the moment and it seemed like there was no one that could come and break me out of that moment. I could not even cry or scream. I felt like I was thrown in the middle of the snow field naked and my body was getting numb.

But in just a few hours I picked myself up again and asked myself, "Do you know why this happened?" Because the moment it happened, I knew exactly why I had be to put through such pain once again. And the answer I gave myself was this: "Because God wants me to dwell in Him and no one else."

It then took me couple more days to really absorb this idea. God was pushing me into a dark tunnel so that when I make my way through it, there will be a beautiful garden waiting for me to sit and relax. He wanted me to fall to the bottom again so I can ask for His help. And once He does help me up then I would realize that my happiness solely depends on Him.

And tonight, while brushing my teeth to go to sleep, this crazy idea finally established itself to a clearer form in my head and it was "love." I know it hurt Him to put me through the storms again, but I think He knew that I had grown up enough not to say "God, why are you doing this to me?" anymore. And it only took me a few days to understand His plan. One of His many amazing plans.

So all my pain turned into joy, and blames turned into thanks. My heart does not ache anymore, and I am so glad that this had to happen. God has answered my prayers and is trying to show me how I can find happiness in Him alone. Even though I am still aware of the fact that I can lose everything I have in just a second, I am not insecure anymore. Because I already have all I need which is God's unconditional love.

I can't help but believe that God has amazing plans for me. And I'm sure He does for you, too. So smile. He fulfills the desires of those who seek Him. It's that easy to make your dreams come true. :)

The reason why you don't know how to love is because you were never loved.

I don't want anyone to talk to me. I can't tolerate anyone's face right now. I even manage to dodge Richard from Texas for a while, but he eventually finds me at dinner and sits down-brave man-in my black smoke of self-loathing.
"What's got you all wadded up?" he drawls, toothpick in mouth, as usual.
"Don't ask," I say, but then I start talking and tell him every bit of it, concluding with, "And worst of all, I can't stop obsessing over David. I thought I was over him, but it's all coming up again."
He says, "Give it another six months, you'll feel better."
"I've already given it twelve months, Richard."
"Then give it six more. Just keep throwin' six months at it till it goes away. Stuff like this takes time."
I exhale hotly through my nose, bull-like.
"Groceries," Richard says, "listen to me. Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it-in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it. Let things work themselves out here in India."
"But I really loved him."
"Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching, I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that's just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That's just limisted little rinky-dink mortal love. WAit till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries-you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It's your destiny. Don't laugh."
"I'm not laughing." I was actually crying. "And please don't laugh at me now, but I think the reason it's so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate."
"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over, Groceries. David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over. Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at the dump, baby-you're just lickin' at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you're not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it."
"But I love him."
"So love him."
"But I miss him."
"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone. But here's what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot-a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in-God will rush in-and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go."
"But I wish me and David could-"
He cuts me off. "See, now that's your problem. You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be."
This line gives me the first laugh of the day.
Then I ask Richard, "So how long will it be before all this grieving passes?"
"You want an exact date?"
"Yes."
"Somethin' you can circle on your calendar?"
"Yes."
"Lemme tell you something, Groceries-you got some serious control issues."
My rage at this statement consumes me like fire. Control issues? ME? I actually consider slapping Richard for this insult. And then, from right down inside the intensity of my offended outrage comes the truth. The immediate, obviously, laughable truth.
He's totally right.
The fire passes out of me, fast as it came.
"You're toally right," I say.
"I know I'm right, baby. Listen, you're a powerful woman and you're used to getting what you want out of life, and you didn't get what you wanted in your last few relationships and it's got you all jammed up. Your husband didn't behave the way you wanted him to and David didn't either. Life didn't go your way for once. And nothing pisses off a control freak more than life not goin' her way."
"Don't call me a control freak, please."
"You have got control issues, Groceries. Come on. Nobody ever told you this before?"
(Well...yeah. But the thing about divorcing someone is that you kind of stop listening to all the mean stuff they say about you after a while.)
So I buck up and admit it. "OK, I think you're probably right. Maybe I do have a problem with control. It's just weird that you noticed. Because I don't think it's that obvious on the surface. I mean-I bet most people can't see my control issues when they first look at me."
Richard from Texas laughs so hard he almost loses his toothpick.
"They can't? Honey-Ray Charles could see your control issues!"
"OK, I think I'm done with this conversation now, thank you."
"You gotta learn how to let go, Groceries. Otherwise you're gonna make yourself sick. Never gonna have a good night's sleep again. You'll just toss and turn forever, beatin' on yourself for being such a fiasco in life. What's wrong with me? How come I screw up all my relationships? Why am I such a failure? Lemme guess-that's probably what you were up at all hours doin' to yourself again last night."
"All right, Richard, that's enough," I say. "I don't want you walking around inside my head anymore."
"Shut the door, then," says my big Texas Yogi.

Eat, Pray, Love - Elizabeth Gilbert

In response, somewhere from within me, rises a now-familiar presence, offering me all the certainties I have always wished another person would say to me when I was troubled. This is what I find myself writing to myself on the page:

I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it- I will love you through that, as well. If you don't need the medication, I will love you, too. There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.

Eat, Pray, Love - Elizabeth Gilbert

Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself
Don't turn your head back over your shoulder
And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon
Is shining high above the trees

If I had stopped to listen once or twice
If I had closed my mouth and opened my eyes
If I had cooled my head and warmed my heart
I'd not be on this road tonight

Carry on
Never run feeling sorry for yourself
It doesn't save you from your troubled mind

That Lonesome Road - James Taylor

Save me.

I know what I deserve.

There's nothing I can do for you anymore. I can barely take care of myself yet I have another person that I need to embrace with my heart. So how can there be any room in my heart to spare you? You can blame me all you want, and hate me all you want. But still there's nothing I can do for you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

David and I met because he was performing in a play based on short stories I'd written. He was playing a character I had invented, which is somewhat telling. In desperate love, it's always like this, isn't it? In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding that they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place.

Eat, Pray, Love - Elizabeth Gilbert

"Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Where are they now? I have no idea. They all come and go. At the time it feels like the end of the world, but we all survive. I wish they're all happy wherever they are. That's the beautiful thing about memories. No matter how terrible the ending was, it's the good ones that we remember more clearly.

And she told me about a youth who had fallen in love with a planet. He stood by the sea, stretched out his arms and prayed to the planet, dreamed of it, and directed all his thoughts to it. But he knew, or felt he knew, that a star cannot be embraced by a human being. He considered it to be his fate to love a heavenly body without any hope of fulfillment and out of this insight he constructed an entire philosophy of renunciation and silent, faithful suffering that would improve and purify him. Yet all his dreams reached the planet. Once he stood again on the high cliff at night by the sea and gazed at the planet and burned with love for it. And at the height of his longing he leaped into the emptiness toward the planet, but at the instant of leaping "it's impossible" flashed once more through his mind. There he lay on the shore, shattered. He had not understood how to love. If at the instant of leaping he had had the strength of faith in the fulfillment of his love he would have soared into the heights and been united with the star.

"Love must not entreat," she added, "or demand. Love must have the strength to become certain within itself. Then it ceases merely to be attracted and begins to attract..."

Demian - Hermann Hesse

Thank You

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord..."

Jeremiah 29:11-14



Just what I needed.

I can breathe fine.


Because I know nothing lasts forever.

Memories sustain me. Things just keep getting worse and worse and the only way I can keep things going is by holding tightly onto the memories. But what will happen when memories fade away? I don't know.

Make the Sun shine on me
Wipe my tears away
Mend my heart
Promise me security
Help me see beautiful things
Protect me from the rain
Embrace me when I'm cold
Save me from myself
Don't let me dream bad dreams

Make me feel that I am not alone in this world

It'll never be wholesome.

10 things I cannot stand:

1. Arguments. I hate arguing. PEACE man. PEAAAAAAAACE.
2. Loud/obnoxious people. When someone talks with a loud voice all the time, it just tells me so much about their personality. I can never get along with those people.
3. People that cannot control themselves. I mean of course we all need to breathe and it's not bad to go crazy every once in a while but I have no respect for people that are not responsible.
4. Liars. I hate lies. Unless it is absolutely necessary.
5. People that act like they know me. Usually those people are the ones that don't know anything about me.
6. Meeting new people. Or being with people I'm not close to.
7. People that are full of self-pity. They are so good at making themselves sound like victims. It sickens me.
8. When I'm talking to someone, someone who I wish would care about what I have to say, and I know that that person is only pretending to be listening. I can usually tell when someone is not paying attention to what I'm saying or not caring much about it, and it really makes me angry.
9. People that care too much about other people's business.
10. Myself for actually being just like the people I cannot stand.


This is such a mean/bitter entry. But damn, I never want to have to face the stuff I had to face tonight. NEVER.

I want to..:

1. watch a good movie.
2. travel somewhere. Anywhere!
3. see the friends I haven't seen in more than 6 months. Like Min, SungEun, Steve J., etc.
4. eat hot cheetos with cream cheese. Oh believe me, it's so good.
5. drink good wine.
6. eat some jjambbong.
7. not be too lazy to practice.
8. finish reading Demian so I can finally move on to a new book.
9. go #2.
10. receive an Amazon.com gift card... With an endless amount!!!
11. do something to my hair. If I can ever figure out what in the world I can possibly do with this piece of crap.
12. manicure/pedicure. Wow that makes me sound so girly.
13. find some music that'll shock me. So I can get inspired and get myself to practice.
14. go get a new piercing.
15. find someone I can go to the Wed/Thurs nights' jam sessions with.
16. take a trip to La Jolla. And this time I would definitely bring my passport so I can walk across the border to Mexico. Yum, tacos!
17. watch "We Got Married" and "My Sweet City" endlessly (they're the only Korean shows I watch. They're so good...).
18. wear flipflops to work.
19. have the motivation to go on a mad diet. Too bad I ate Krispy Kreme at like 10 tonight. hahaha I love me.
20. go back to school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Deepest blue sea

It's beautiful

But
I'm afraid
And I'm lonely


And
I'm running out of breath

When fire becomes smoke,

"Now that I think about it, the things he did weren't even that bad. But because my heart was with someone else, even the smallest things he did got on my nerves," said an old friend of mine.

My heart is just about gone now. The warmth I used to have has retreated somewhere far away. Sometimes I even forget that warmth ever existed. I'm still able to cry, though. I'm completely alone, in the coldest, loneniest place in the world. When I cry, my husband kisses my cheecks, turning my tears to ice. He peels off those frozen tears and puts them on his tongue. You know I love you, he says. And I know it's true. The Ice Man does love me. But the wind blows his frozen words further and further into the past. And I cry some more, icy tears welling up ceaselessly in our frozen little home in the far off South Pole.

:The Ice Man by H.M

I can't stop asking myself, "Is this what I really want?"

It's not so easy loving me
It gets so complicated
All the things you've gotta be
Everything's changin
But you're the truth
I'm amazed by all your patience
Everything I put you through

When I'm about to fall
Somehow you're always waitin
with your open arms to catch me
You're gonna save me from myself
from myself, yes
You're gonna save me from myself

My love is tainted by your touch
Cuz some guys have shown me aces
But you've got that royal flush
I know it's crazy everyday
Well tomorrow may be shaky
But you never turn away

Don't ask me why I'm cryin
Cuz when I start to crumble
You know how to keep me smilin
You always save me from myself
from myself, myself
You're gonna save me from myself

I know it's hard, it's hard
But you've broken all my walls
You've been my strength, so strong

And don't ask me why I love you
It's obvious your tenderness
Is what I need to make me
a better woman to myself
to myself, myself
You're gonna save me from myself

Christina Aguilera - Save Me From Myself

Now I realize how meaningless those promises were.

We can be sitting in a room together, looking into each other's eyes, and I can still feel as if I'm all alone.

Did we really ever try to understand each other?
Or was it just a game that sometimes people play?
Did we really ever see eye to eye, I wonder?
Was it just a game that sometimes people play?

I wonder if
We ever listened
To a word
That the other had to say

All that we shared
Our inner treasures
Are used against each other as we fall

I wonder if
Before we started
We could have known
That the road would end this way

What makes us give
Our hearts so freely
Only to find that we're strangers after all

Night and day, night and day, day and night
Night and day, people play, day and night

We fool ourselves
Into believing
Our difference will surely change in time

So we proceed
Blissfully blinded
Throwing caution to the wind along the way



Incognito - "Did We Really Ever Try"

Joy
Music
Tears
Promises
Walks
Regrets
Hopes
Talks
Questions
Answers
Fights
Secrets
Memories

And

My heart was bleeding.

There is nothing I can do to make this happiness stay longer than it's supposed to. But there are a lot of things I can do to make it last shorter.

I might as well enjoy every bit of it while it lasts.

I am so happy and healthy now, but I still wake up every morning thinking, 'Will it be today?'

That's what makes my life so hard.

I just noticed that a lot of my friends joined this group on Facebook called "15,000,000 for lower gas prices." Then it made me wonder if civilians really have enough power to do such things.

I remember when I used to study every single page of the newspaper every morning. And I couldn't wait until I become a citizen so I can vote and make a difference with MY vote. But from one moment, I just got so tired of seeing all these ugly things in the news and not being able to do anything about it. So I stopped. And now everything that's happening in this world seems so irrelevant to me, although that's not how it should be.

Maybe I'm too cynical. I really wish I was naive enough to join a group like that believing that I can make a difference in this world. But I know things like that are impossible to happen. That is why I give that indifferent look when someone stops me on the street to sign some kind of petition. We call this a democratic society but in reality, there is not much we can do. And that is very, very very sad.

"You know what I think?" she says. "That people's memories are maybe the fuel they burn to stay alive. Whether those memories have any actual importance or not, it doesn't matter as far as the maintenance of life is concerned. They're all just fuel. Advertising fillers in the newspaper, philosophy books, dirty pictures in a magazine, a bundle of ten-thousand-yen bills: when you feed 'em to the fire, they're all just paper. The fire isn't thinking, 'Oh, this is Kant,' or 'Oh, this is the Yomiuri evening edition,' or 'Nice tits,' while it burns. To the fire, they're nothing but scraps of paper. It's the exact same thing. Important memories, not-so-important memories, totally useless memories: there's no distinction - they're all just fuel."

After Dark - Haruki Murakami

True Identity?

It seems like everyone around me is in some kind of search for their true identity. I guess it's our age that makes it so natural yet crucial. Some people are fighting for something while others are trying their best to protect what they already have. Whatever the case may be, I think it is beautiful. It's a beautiful thing that we all are searching for something, because searching for one thing often brings us other things as well. But the reason why I'm writing this is because I feel like young people like us often lose who we've been as we try to discover our "true identity." The past is what makes us who we are today, and as we try to take another step as someone totally new (because we think that's who we really should be), we might forget who we used to be yesterday. Life is cumulative. Even if you start living your life as someone else tomorrow, it doesn't mean you can leave behind who you've been, who you really are.

Just wanted to say it :) I think you're doing a great job, tho!

The song that once belonged to you now belongs to him. Every vibrant moment we shared is now old and rusty. I no longer think about you when I open my eyes, and you rarely make an appearance in my dreams. I thought I'd never be able to let go of you. But here I am, smiling brighter than ever.

I guess it is true that nothing lasts forever.

You say that it scares you how I don't expect anything from you.

But what you don't realize is the fact that I am that afraid of getting hurt.

I see exactly what you're trying to do. I really want to believe that you're not a bad person, that you really do care about me, but I really can't appreciate you anymore now that I see what it is that you're trying to do.

I know that we both will be perfectly fine without having each other in our lives. So can you please leave me alone? I'm so tired of this bullshit. At least I never tried to hurt you on purpose. I know I've hurt you by just being who I am, and I always felt so guilty for that. I always felt so miserable because of that guilt, even though the whole issue was not something I could control. But here you are, trying your best to break me. I thought you were better than that. I lost all my respect for you. Please leave me alone. I don't want to talk to you ever again.

It only takes a minute for me to crash.

I miss my friends so much right now. Especially L3. It's crazy how this is already our 4th year away from one another. But you guys still mean just as much to me as you guys did 4 years ago, if not more. You guys make me so proud. I know we've had some real rough moments this year, but you know we'll fight through them as we always did (as long as we're there for one another!). I love you guys so much, my soulmates. You two are ALWAYS in my prayers. :)

I've been spending a lot of time by myself, or WITH myself should I say. My phone's been off for quite a while, and I've been minimizing my contact with the outside world. I only see a limited number of people, and all I've been doing is going to class and concerts and practicing.

The funny thing is that I am not feeling lonely at all. In fact, I enjoy staying away from the world. I've been so much more focused on school and being alone makes me avoid the many sins that have created this kind of "sin pattern" that I always feared. Of course I'm not going to turn into a nun, but it's definitely a nice feeling.

A lot of people don't understand such behavior of mine because most people don't need these "alone" times. It's not something they're used to, so they freak out when I suddenly disappear from the world. I've had people come to my door and buzz me because they couldn't find me anywhere, and some people even got mad at me because they were worried or because they think I'm avoiding them for some reason.

But in spite of what people think, I still enjoy it. I wish I can just fly to Cuba right now, get a small room and live a brand new life in a place where no one knows me. But since that's not possible at the moment, this is the best I can do to isolate myself.

I've been doing a lot of thinking during the past week as I pulled myself away from the ordinary life, and came to make up my mind on certain issues that's been burdening me for a long time. "He" definitely helped me set a direction in my life, after the conversation we had, because considering the fact that my life's been completely dependant on him made a huge mess in my life. Now that I think back, I think almost all the issues I've been facing started from him. But after having that talk, things became much clearer. And now I know exactly where I'm supposed to go. That makes me glad.

So now I celebrate. I celebrate the freedom. I am free because I no longer have to try so hard to run away from him. I've come to accept the fact that there are things that just never change. This is just the way we're going to be, perhaps for the rest of our lives. So now I am off to my road of freedom, and I'll be happy to meet the people that come my way without feeling any kind of negative emotions because I'll just believe that it is a part of my fate.

There isn't a single part of life that I can have control over. It was never mine to begin with, so the harder I try to do something about it, the messier it gets. So I've given it up completely. That doesn't mean I'm going to live my life aimlessly. My life deserves all my respect so therefore I'll be doing my best to keep it the way it really should be. But I'm not going to be angry or sad over what was not meant to be given to me. Things will be easier to let go of this way.

This is all a part of growing up, I guess. I'm happy.

All I can say now is, "Thy will be done."


I've completely given up my life. It is now in Your hands.

One Minute

I wonder
If you spend at least one minute a day
To think of me

If at least a minute of your day
Belongs to me

I wonder
If she really deserves those twenty-three hours and fifty-nine minutes

What did she do
To deserve so much time of yours?

Each minute she spends in your mind is
One more minute in Hell for me

I wonder
If there ever is a day
You accidentally spare me an extra minute

But I am not lonely
For I spend twenty-three hours
And fifty-nine minutes a day

To embrace you in my heart
To let you run around in my head

I wonder
If there will ever come a day
When we'll spend 24 hours thinking
Thinking of each other

The sun will stay out longer
And the night will be endless

Because we'll share every minute
And it will be heavenly

You shine before me

Expectations and anticipations. They both kill people.

Living without them has been making my life much easier lately. I don't expect anything. So don't expect anything form me.

I took one of my hands from his and placed my glass of wine at the edge of the table.
"It's going to fall," he said.
"Exactly. I want you to tip it over the edge."
"Break the glass?"
Yes, break the glass. A simple gesture, but one that brings up fears we can't really understand. What's wrong with breaking an inexpensive glass, when everyone has done so unintentionally at some time in their life?
"Break the glass?" he repeated. "Why?"
"Well, I could give you lots of reasons," I answered. "But actually, just to break it."
"For you?"
"No, of course not."
He eyed the glass on the edge of the table - worried that it might fall.
It's a rite of passage, I wanted to say. It's something prohibited. Glasses are not purposely broken. In a restaurant or in our home, we're careful not to place glasses by the edge of a table. Our universe requires that we avoid letting glasses fall to the floor.
But when we break them by accident, we realize that it's not very serious. The waiter says, "It's nothing," and when has anyone been charged for a broken glass? Breaking glasses is part of life and does no damage to us, to the restaurant, or to anyone else.
I bumped the table. The glass shook but didn't fall.
"Careful!" he said, instinctively.
"Break the glass," I insisted.
Break the glass, I thought to myself, because it's a symbolic gesture. Try to understand that I have broken things within myself that were much more important than a glass, and I'm happy I did. Resolve your own internal battle, and break the glass.
Our parents taught us to be careful with glasses and with our bodies. They taught us that the passions of childhood are impossible, that we should not flee from priests, that people cannot perform miracles, and that no one leaves on a journey without knowing where they are going.
Break the glass, please - and free us from all these damned rules, from needing to find an explanation for everything, from doing only what others approve of.
"Break the glass," I said again.
He stared at me. Then, slowly, he slid his hand along the tablecloth to the glass. And with a sudden movement, he pushed it to the floor.
The sound of the breaking glass caught the waiter's attention. Rather than apologize for having broken the glass, he looked at me, smiling - and I smiled back.
"Doesn't matter," shouted the waiter.
But he wasn't listening. He had stood, seized my hair in his hands, and was kissing me.
I clutched at his hair, too, and squeezed him with all my strength, biting his lips and feeling his tongue move in my mouth. This was the kiss I had waited for so long - a kiss born by the rivers of our childhood, when we didn't yet know what love meant. A kiss that had been suspended in the air as we grew, that had traveled the world in the souvenir of a medal, and that had remained hidden behind piles of books. A kiss that had been lost so many times and now was found. In the moment of that kiss were years of searching, disillusionment, and impossible dreams.
I kissed him hard. The few people there in the bar must have been thinking that all they were seeing was just a kiss. They didn't know that this kiss stood for my whole life - and his life, as well. The life of anyone who has waited, dreamed, and searched for their true path.
The moment of that kiss contained every happy moment I had ever lived.

By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept - Paulo Coehlo

susie.k、says:
when i feel that it's the right time, i'm gonna come and see you

- says:
I think we couldn't be more honest with each other.
susie.k、says:
and i'm glad

You know that I love you
And what love endures
All my thoughts are of you
For I'm so completely yours

Right or wrong don't matter
When you're with me, sweet

You're my joy and you're my pain
My life is yours, love

You are the only person that can speak to my soul.

Everything is still the same

Even after today, would I still be able to pretend? Everything is still the same and you know it. How are you going to tell me that you can't live two things at the same time when that is exactly what we are doing? We can keep pretending for the rest of our lives but we both know damn well that that's not going to do neither of us any good. When you are ready to put together the two lives you're living to live one solid life, let me know. And I will come see you.

O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger or displine me in your wrath. ... My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear. ... I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning. My back is filled with searing pain; there is no health in my body. I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; mysighing is not hidden from you. ... My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds; my neighbors stay far away. ... I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear, like a mute, who cannot open his mouth; I have become like a man who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply. I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God. ... For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me. I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin. ... O LORD, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God. Come quickly to help me, O Lord my savior.

Bits and pieces from Psalm 38.

There Will Never be Another You

There will be many other nights like this
And I'll be standing here with someone new
There will be other songs to sing
Another Fall, another Spring
But there will never be another you

There will be other lips that I may kiss
But they won't thrill me like yours used to do
Yes, I can dream a million dreams
But How can they come true?
If there will never ever be another you

Four people. All pretending.

There is a train of memories that haunts me every night. And this won't stop because we never put an end to this madness.

But because I know it hasn't ended yet, I live another day.


No matter where I am, what I am doing, or who I am with, I will never really change unless we finally say, "this is it."

So today, I discovered a weird pattern that's been appearing in my life quite frequently. So this is what the pattern looks like: someone calls me, and I get excited because I haven't heard from that person in a while, we chill because that person is dying to hang out with me, and a week later the person asks me to do them a favor. And what do I do? I do it for them. People have such sneaky ways of getting the things they want. And here I am, all hungry for love, who is willing to do anything to make them stay in my life. What the hell am I doing? I don't know. But I know what I need to do and that is to change. I am starting to question the initial nature of human beings. Maybe they are evil from the beggining, like some say. Even if they are not, I need to change and that is for sure. Living in the 21st century is not an easy thing. It's about time I start protecting myself.

Things I miss about high school

1. Jean Dotson a.k.a Mama Dee. She was my English teacher in junior year which made me join Yearbook in senior year to have her again. She called me her "bitch" and made me do all sorts of things (like coming to school on Saturday to help her) but I must admit, there will never be another teacher like her. I visited her last year, and she was like "I still have your number on my cell phone!" and showed me her phone. I miss her so much. I was such a pain in the butt but my Mama Dee never abandoned me.
2. Dances. Oh how I loved them. I basically lived to plan dances, go to dances, and reminisce the memories of dances. One interesting things about high school dances is that almost everyone that knows me and Steve J., including all my best friends, thinks I've been to at least one dance with him. But everytime we tried to go to a dance together, something would always come up so we ended up not going to a single dance together.
3. Lunch time. We were so stupid thinking that we, the 11 of us, always had to stick together for lunch. If you have a lunch date with someone else that day, you would have to notify the others beforehand so they don't wait for you. We would always argue over stupid things like who should drive and where we should eat. And I remember everyone would get so annoyed everyday because all Steph wanted to eat was "E-Terk" which was the abbrevation of E-Teriyaki, a cheap and nasty Asian fastfood place. I hated her everytime she said "E-Terk!!!" Stupid Steph.
4. Sleepovers. I remember our sleepovers at Sarah K.'s house. Now that I look back, her parents were so nice to always have us over. They would to-go so much food and we would just eat eat eat all night. And there would usually be some kind of drama, and some romance. Cat and Peter always slept in Sarah's huge closet. Who knows what they did in there. Me and Steve would always fight for the bed and ended up in it most of the time (we still do this when we sleep over at someone's house). We are such selfish bastards. Man, those were the good days. We would wake up and the boys would jump into the swimming pool. I miss those days.
5. Mock Con. I don't think anyone had more fun than I did during Mock Con. Us Radical Party with Shaiya R. as the leader just whooped everyone's butt. It was definitely fun to be a part of the polygamy wedding with Ben and Aaron. I was pimpin it.
6. Alex C.'s parties. Those parties were cool because 1) his house is HUGE, 2) all the cool people from different high schools in the area would come, and 3) the DJ was usually awesome. I remember at one of the parties, someone stole my bag with my camera, phone and wallet in it. But he happened to be Ray A.'s friend, so Ray got it back for me. Haha.

I can go on for days talking about high school but I should stop since I'm tired.

Daily struggles don't mean anything to me
Because it's the life itself that I'm questioning
Who cares if I fall and scrape my knee
When my whole body and soul have been scarred already?

How can I show you all the things I want to show you?
I can say a thousand words, but they won't do anything.
Because words are empty. They flow like water then evaporate eventually.

When you look me in the eyes, can you see my pain?
Can you see the love? Can you see the past that's still hodling me back?

There are things you'll never understand.
And that breaks me.

A New Blog

I had to delete my old blog because it was created in Korean for some reason and therefore was limiting. So here is my new blog, tada!