My Purple Dreams

I've been spending a lot of time by myself, or WITH myself should I say. My phone's been off for quite a while, and I've been minimizing my contact with the outside world. I only see a limited number of people, and all I've been doing is going to class and concerts and practicing.

The funny thing is that I am not feeling lonely at all. In fact, I enjoy staying away from the world. I've been so much more focused on school and being alone makes me avoid the many sins that have created this kind of "sin pattern" that I always feared. Of course I'm not going to turn into a nun, but it's definitely a nice feeling.

A lot of people don't understand such behavior of mine because most people don't need these "alone" times. It's not something they're used to, so they freak out when I suddenly disappear from the world. I've had people come to my door and buzz me because they couldn't find me anywhere, and some people even got mad at me because they were worried or because they think I'm avoiding them for some reason.

But in spite of what people think, I still enjoy it. I wish I can just fly to Cuba right now, get a small room and live a brand new life in a place where no one knows me. But since that's not possible at the moment, this is the best I can do to isolate myself.

I've been doing a lot of thinking during the past week as I pulled myself away from the ordinary life, and came to make up my mind on certain issues that's been burdening me for a long time. "He" definitely helped me set a direction in my life, after the conversation we had, because considering the fact that my life's been completely dependant on him made a huge mess in my life. Now that I think back, I think almost all the issues I've been facing started from him. But after having that talk, things became much clearer. And now I know exactly where I'm supposed to go. That makes me glad.

So now I celebrate. I celebrate the freedom. I am free because I no longer have to try so hard to run away from him. I've come to accept the fact that there are things that just never change. This is just the way we're going to be, perhaps for the rest of our lives. So now I am off to my road of freedom, and I'll be happy to meet the people that come my way without feeling any kind of negative emotions because I'll just believe that it is a part of my fate.

There isn't a single part of life that I can have control over. It was never mine to begin with, so the harder I try to do something about it, the messier it gets. So I've given it up completely. That doesn't mean I'm going to live my life aimlessly. My life deserves all my respect so therefore I'll be doing my best to keep it the way it really should be. But I'm not going to be angry or sad over what was not meant to be given to me. Things will be easier to let go of this way.

This is all a part of growing up, I guess. I'm happy.